A Very Distressing Dilemma
by Anglerfish
Summary: Dear God!" Gaara cried, very much distressed. "Someone's stolen my eyebrows!" Random crackfic. Oneshot


"Gaara! Stop being all emo and get in here!"

Gaara groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He was lying on something hard…his head ached…

He suddenly sat up and looked around wildly. He was still on the roof, but it was day now. He'd been asleep—no, unconscious. What had happened? He thought hard, trying to remember.

It had been midnight, and Gaara was sitting on the roof. He'd heard something behind him, but before he could do anything, something had crashed down on his head. He'd passed out instantly.

Who could it have been? No one knew him in Konoha—did they? And what had done to him?

Kankurou, quite insensitive to his brother's distress, was still yelling from the window. "The chunin exams are coming up, and no one's scared of us yet! We have to go terrorize the villagers if we're going to get any respect at all! I know you like brooding up on the roof, but the fangirls are still going to love you even if you aren't emo every second of the day."

Silently, Gaara climbed in through the window, still trying to figure out what could have happened. He went to the mirror to put on a heavy coating of eyeliner (the fangirls adored it), then gasped in horror when he saw his reflection.

"Dear God!" Gaara cried, very much distressed. "Someone's stolen my eyebrows!"

He ran a hand along his brow. It felt strange, and when he lowered his hand and stared at his face in the mirror, it looked even stranger. There was nothing but bare skin from his eyes to his hairline. And that was very wrong.

Temari appeared behind him. "What are you yelling ab—oh, my God!" Her jaw dropped. "Gaara! Where are your eyebrows?"

"What's going on?" Kankurou joined them. He rolled his eyes. "Oh, Gaara. Do you seriously think the fangirls will like you more if you shave off your eyebrows?"

"I didn't shave them off," Gaara growled at his brother. It occurred to him then what must have happened. "Someone knocked me out last night and stole them."

Temari looked like she was trying not to laugh. "Why would anyone want your eyebrows?"

"I don't know!" Gaara snapped. "But I'm not letting them get away with this. Come on!"

And he strode out the door.

——

"Gaara," Kankurou sighed two hours later, "this is ridiculous, and it's a waste of time, too. We should be beating up little kids now—then everyone will know us as the big, bad Sand ninja, not the freaks who can't even protect their own eyebrows. Besides, how are you even going to know if you see the person who stole them?"

"Trust me," Gaara assured him. "I will know." He suddenly stopped in his tracks, his eyes narrowing. "In fact, that's him over there! Get him!"

He went racing forward and pounced on an unusual-looking boy with green spandex and frighteningly large eyebrows. Temari and Kankurou rolled their eyes at each other—they both thought Gaara had finally gone off the edge—and ran after him.

"I'm very sorry about this," Temari said quietly to the boy, who was lying facedown on the ground with Gaara crouched on his back. "My brother's a bit…well, not quite right in the head, and…"

"SILENCE!" roared Gaara. "What do you have to say for yourself, ignoble thief of facial hair?"

The boy crawled out from under him and stood up. Temari and Kankurou expected the boy to call Gaara insane, but instead, with an expression of righteous anger on his face, he exclaimed, "How dare you call Rock Lee ignoble! I only took your eyebrows because you had no use for them yourself, and I was in great need!"

"Oh, yeah?" Gaara yelled furiously. "Well, they're MY eyebrows and I want them back!"

"I need them more than you do," Lee insisted. "I was watching you yesterday. You have only two facial expressions—sullen and broody, or angry and psychotic. Neither one requires eyebrows!"

"I still like having them, though! Besides, you've already got your own eyebrows!"

"Yes, but they're very thin," Lee said regretfully. "With yours added on top of mine and dyed black, my eyebrows look wonderfully bushy! And I need bushy eyebrows—otherwise, my sensei won't love me!"

"Who cares about your sensei?" Gaara shrieked, losing his patience (he didn't have much to begin with). "I've got a reputation to uphold! Fangirls to impress! There's no way I can do that without my eyebrows! YOU GIVE THEM BACK RIGHT NOW!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Guess I'll have to be the mature one here." Kankurou sighed, tapping Lee on the shoulder. "Give Gaara's eyebrows back to him, and you can take mine instead. You can barely see them anyway, with all the face paint I've got on."

"Oh, thank you!" Lee exclaimed, beaming. He turned and called down the street, "Gai-sensei! I need you!"

A taller version of Lee came rushing toward them. "What do you need?"

"I need you to give him his eyebrows back," Lee told him, pointing to Gaara.

"Why?" Gai frowned. "We just took them last night. Does he need them back already?"

"Apparently so," Lee said, then indicated Kankurou. "But this boy here is willing to give me his eyebrows! Now mine can be as magnificent as yours!"

"That's wonderful, Lee!" Gai performed several hand gestures, then muttered, "Eyebrow-Stealing Jutsu: Reverse!"

Gaara's eyebrows suddenly appeared on his face, and Lee's looked much less bushy than they had before. Gai made the gestures again, then said, "Eyebrow-Stealing Jutsu!" Lee's eyebrows were bushy again.

Kankurou reached up and felt his forehead. There was nothing but bare skin. "How do I look?"

"You look fine," Lee assured him. "Thank you so much!" He and Gai turned and hurried away.

Temari made a face. "Who knew there was an Eyebrow-Stealing Jutsu?"

Gaara said nothing, although he looked overjoyed to have his eyebrows returned to him at last.

——

The next morning, the Third Hokage admired himself in his mirror. His hair had begun to thin, but now it looked perfectly fine.

"That Hair-Stealing Jutsu sure is useful," he murmured to himself. "Just in time for the chunin exams, too."

Across town, Gaara was just waking up.


End file.
